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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382879">If Only</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiteasy/pseuds/Whiteasy'>Whiteasy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tumblr Drabbles [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Background Relationships, Car Accidents, Exes, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Valentine Day</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:16:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiteasy/pseuds/Whiteasy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I really thought he was the one, you know?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Marcel Galliard | Berwick/Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tumblr Drabbles [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just a small writing exercise to get me back to writing again. Been thinking about a reibert exes AU for a while.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="">
  <p>Bertholdt’s lower lip quivered as his brain replayed the previous hour’s events that led to him being single and in the safety of his own home. As his last attempts to maintain control of the situation fell apart, his face crumpled finally and as if on cue, his roommate, Reiner, gathered him in his arms. Bertholdt didn’t feel a smidge of shame or embarrassment as he collapsed in his ex’s strong arms, burying his face in his broad chest while the other man murmured sweet reassurances into his hair.  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>His heart tightened in his chest, aching even more as it hit him again how much he had lost; the love of his life, twice now. First, Reiner, four years ago before they were able to move on and bury the hatchet, then his boyfriend, or rather, his ex-boyfriend– ex-fiancé– Marcel.  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I–I r–really thought he was t–the one, y–you know?” Bertholdt hiccupped between sobs, faintly registering Reiner’s hand rubbing soothing circles into his back. “He seemed like someone to take the next step with.” However, fate had another idea for him, for Marcel. Their wedding was in just a month. If only he and Marcel didn’t fight that night. If only he didn’t let Marcel storm out of his own apartment.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>If only he stopped him and begged him not to go on that stupid run to clear his head. Then that car wouldn’t have hit him before racing away from him, and left him alone in the woods, breathing his last gasps before... before...</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m so sorry.” Was all that Reiner could say. He didn’t blame him. Bertholdt could barely form a coherent thought, his mind a whirlpool of emotions, regrets. This was too cruel, even by Bertholdt’s own standards and he’s known cruelty. He’s thought he’d known enough injustice and that finally, finally, he could be happy.  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The latter thoughts only made him wail even louder.  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He let Reiner slowly rock them both until he fell asleep that night, Marcel’s smile haunting his dreams.  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let's jump back in time, when Bertholdt was happy with a very much alive Marcel</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Bertholdt practically jumped out of his seat when he heard Marcel’s distinguished knock on his door– 3 frantic knocks followed by quieter two– and as he swung the door open, he felt his lips stretch into a wide grin as he took in the sight of his boyfriend, flecks of snow still gathered in his raven locks and shoulders.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You have snow in your hair.” Bertholdt giggled, not helping himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do?” Marcel frowned before dusting his hair off, ruffling it even more than it already is. Bertholdt bit back a laugh and the urge to muss it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your shoulders too.” Bertholdt cleared his throat before reaching forward and clearing off his boyfriend’s shoulders of any residual snow. “You know I don’t mind but, Reiner can be bit neurotic when it comes to the </span>
  <span>apartment's</span>
  
  <span>cleanliness</span>
  <span>.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I suppose your roommate is home then.”</span>
  <span> Marcel refused to meet his gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he is.” Bertholdt sighed a bit overdramatically. He had dropped subtle hints that Reiner should leave the place for him so he could have his introvert-friendly cinema date. His efforts were in vain and Bertholdt couldn’t decide whether the blond is merely dense or was sabotaging his plans for the evening on purpose. Marcel was not so equally torn on the matter when he asked next:</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t he like, leave the apartment? It's Saturday night.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Bertholdt shrugged. When Marcel arched an eyebrow at him, his shoulders slumped, “look, yes we’re close friends but how he spends his evening is none of my business. Plus, this is his apartment– I'm a temporary roommate until I find a place that doesn’t bleed all my savings.” Bertholdt’s voice dropped an octave, taking in that sultry tone he knew drove Marcel insane, “I promised you a trip to Greece this summer, remember?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You can live with me.” Marcel suggested, looking hopeful. Bertholdt tried not to groan; they had had this conversation countless of times now.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Porco lives with you, and no offense to your brother, living with my ex is much more bearable.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Just saying, but I can still hook Porco up with Reiner.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’d be like hooking Reiner up with a girl–”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Last I checked, Porco isn’t a girl.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“–it won’t work, ever. They had one drunken incident and it had been a trial for them to get over the awkwardness. I’m not keen on a repetition and neither are they.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” Marcel finally </span>
  <span>acquiesced</span>
  <span> and Bertholdt grinned in triumph. “Can we now go inside? I know you’re a human furnace but it’s freezing in the hallway.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We most certainly can.” Bertholdt sing-sung, feeling chipper again. Marcel might have his doubts, and if Bertholdt was being honest, he did too. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>However, as Reiner hugged Marcel in greetings before announcing to them that he would make them dinner– dinner as in, a very exquisite, and exotic three-course meal they won’t have to pay a cent for and that would make Bertholdt owe Reiner one– he knew for certain that any lingering doubts they both might have went out of the window. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He has known Reiner ever since he was a kid, dated him for a wonderful year before, even if it had been rough at the end. He knew in his heart that no matter what, Reiner would never hurt him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>No matter what, he was and will always be his best friend who’d do anything to make sure he was happy. </span>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dammit I like this AU</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My contribution to Valentine's day ;3<br/>Set one year after Marcel passed away.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bertholdt checked his watch again– Reiner should be here in two minutes. He felt nervous when he thought about what his roommate’s reaction would be regarding the plan Bertholdt had meticulously concocted. The plan being getting his friend laid on Valentine’s day, and if Reiner would decide to be prudish, at least score him a nice date with his Bertholdt’s lovely co-worker, Colt. </p><p>As far as Bertholdt was concerned, his plan should be flawless, especially since his colleague had already expressed interest in Reiner the last time he swung by their apartment. Reiner had voiced none to be frank, which could be a drawback but, tonight Bertholdt was feeling bold.  </p><p>He felt his nerves dissipate as soon as Reiner stepped inside the restaurant, looking dashing as always despite barely making an effort to dress adequately for the occasion (it was Bertholdt’s fault; he hadn’t exactly asked he dressed up). The other man grinned toothily as soon as he noticed Bertholdt waving to him from the far end of the dimly lit place.  </p><p>“Are you going to explain what we’re doing here?” Reiner said as soon as he settled himself comfortably across him. Bertholdt watched as he reached for a piece of bread, tearing it into halves before wolfing it down. God, Bertholdt hoped he wouldn’t act like a savage in front of Colt, lest he weirded out the younger man. </p><p>“It’s Valentine’s day.” Bertholdt shrugged. That earned him an arched eyebrow. </p><p>“So?” </p><p><em>“So?”</em> Bertholdt scoffed, “are you not feeling at least a bit bummed you have no plans for this day?” </p><p>“Valentine’s day is a capitalist concept that I no longer stand behind.”  </p><p>“Do no become a Pieck, I don’t need another cynical in our circle of friends.” Bertholdt rolled his eyes. </p><p>“Why? She’s right– I'd rather stay at my bachelor pad, order some pizza and watch TV.” Reiner shrugged. </p><p>“I can’t believe my ears– you were, nay, <em>are </em>a romantic at heart.” </p><p>“That was me five years ago, when I was in a relationship, with <em>you</em>.” </p><p>“I don’t believe a single word that just came out of your month.” </p><p>“You‘ll have to at some point but, we’re not in a hurry.” The blond shrugged again before he frowned, “hang on– are we on a date?” </p><p>“No offense Reiner but, I don’t like you that way anymore.” </p><p>“None taken until you said so.” Reiner clutched at his heart in feigned chagrin and Bertholdt had to stifle a laughter of his own. </p><p>“You’re half-right though.” Bertholdt cleared his throat awkwardly, his heartrate skyrocketing as he envisioned every possible way Reiner might react, “<em>you’re</em> on a date.” </p><p>“Excuse me?”  </p><p>“With Colt. My co-worker; blond hair, tall man, handsome and really sweet.” </p><p>“Bertholdt...” Reiner began uncertainly, his features turning serious. </p><p>“How long has it been since you’ve been on a date?” Bertholdt cut him short. He knew the answer. They both knew.  </p><p>“Well, um, I, uh...I haven’t been keeping track.” He stammered. </p><p>“Over a year.” Bertholdt answered his own question for him, a sad smile quirking his lips when he saw Reiner’s face drop before he cast his gaze downward.  </p><p>“Look,” Bertholdt reached across the table for his roommate’s hand, resting his palm atop the back of the other’s hand, “the last year had been rough on me, and it took me a while to realize how hard it’s been on you to.” Bertholdt swallowed thickly before he carried on. “Ever since Marcel was gone, I haven’t been the... nicest company but, you’ve taken care of me. You’ve been there whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on... You didn’t leave me alone to wallow in my sadness and for that, I really appreciate what you’ve done for me–” </p><p>“Bertholdt, you don’t have to mention it–” Reiner interjected but Bertholdt shook his head. </p><p>“Busy as I was in overcoming my own issues, I realized a bit too late that I haven’t given you the space you might’ve needed but would’ve never asked for, even if you wanted to.” Bertholdt squeezed the slightly bigger hand resting underneath his gently, “I just wanted to thank you for being there for me when I needed you most.” </p><p>“It was no big deal, really.” Reiner mumbled, still refusing to meet his gaze. </p><p>“You’ve done both of our laundries for months on end, had to practically feed me with a spoon, dragged me for a bath on more than one occasion and not to mention, you stayed with me every weekend, watching trashy TV– I think it’s fair to say I was a handful.” </p><p>“You were grieving, Bertholdt. And I don’t regret any minute I spent with you, OK?” Reiner looked up at him, “what you’ve gone through... no one should be expected to be OK and not rely on someone to pull them back up on their feet again.” </p><p>“Still, I want to show you that I’m very appreciative of you,” Bertholdt said gently, “so, I want you to accept my gift for you tonight. I just want you to have fun.” </p><p>“Fine.” Reiner finally acquiesced and Bertholdt felt relief wash over him. </p><p>“And who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky tonight.” Bertholdt winked suggestively. He chuckled when Reiner rolled his eyes in faux-exasperation. </p><p>“Please, even though Colt is really adorable, you know I don’t put out until the third date.”  </p><p>“You made an exception for me though.” Bertholdt said coyly. </p><p>“Because we’ve been on countless dates before you, mister, finally got the hint.” Reiner retorted sarcastically. </p><p>“Sorry.” Bertholdt said sheepishly.</p><p>“You can make it up to me by paying for every dinner date I might have in the future.” </p><p>“This is a one-time offer, don’t push your luck.” Bertholdt stuck his tongue out and felt victorious when his roommate grumbled in annoyance. </p><p>As he dragged his gaze across the restaurant, he caught a glimpse of Colt stood by the entrance and adjusting his hair and clothes in a nervous tic.  </p><p>“There comes your date,” Bertholdt announced before he stood up from his seat, “he’s really nervous so be nice, and act civil.” Although, judging by the empty basket of bread, Bertholdt felt like it was a stretch to ask Reiner to do so.  </p><p>“Bertl.” Bertholdt felt a bit taken-off guard by Reiner using his nickname but he recovered quickly. </p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>“Thanks.” Reiner said bashfully, a shy smile tugging at his lips and Bertholdt felt his heart swell in affection for the man, “this really means a lot.” </p><p>“You’re welcome.” Bertholdt offered a small smile of his own before he excused himself and headed toward the door. </p><p>He gave the newly acquainted couple one last look before he rushed outside.    </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bertholdt meets a dear friend who comes to him for advice</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If we consider the last chapter as set in present time, then this chapter's events happened two years ago</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Bertholdt grinned as soon as he saw Pieck striding toward him, slightly having trouble maneuvering herself between the tables and chairs of the small café he chose for them to meet at. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you.” She said immediately when he pulled her into a gentle hug. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too.”</span>
  <span> Bertholdt murmured into her hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, how’ve you been?” Bertholdt asked as soon as they ordered their drinks, grinning when Pieck rolled her eyes at his choice of highly sugared desert to accompany his hot chocolate. His friend on the other hand settled for plain, green tea and Bertholdt felt a rush of nostalgia. She didn’t change one bit.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, the </span>
  <span>uz</span>
  <span>’.” She shrugged.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“The uz?” Bertholdt scoffed, arching a skeptical eyebrow. “Pieck Finger, you’re anything but an ordinary woman with an ordinary life.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Today a kid in my class ate glue. And last week, another went to second base with me during painting class.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That seems about right,” Bertholdt giggled when Pieck swatted his arm. “Seriously though, how have you been?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A shy smile quirked the corners of Pieck’s mouth as she went positively pink, “I’m really happy with my life right now." She admitted in a small voice, "with Annie. She’s amazing and I love her so much.” She muttered the last part, suddenly bashful and Bertholdt supposed he should rectify the list of things Pieck can be; shy and timid while talking about the love of her life. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really happy for you.” Bertholdt said earnestly before he reached for her small hand, cradling it in his bigger one. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re adopting a kitten this week,” She added as if in an afterthought. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you going a little bit too fast?” Bertholdt teased. He felt slightly taken off-guard but, in a good way when Pieck hummed in content.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s the one for me, you know. </span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> nothing is really too fast for us.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Bertholdt wondered if that was the case for his relationship. He loved Marcel with all his heart, and they would be celebrating their second-year anniversary by the end of this week. The last person he had been in a relationship for a long time was Reiner, and for a while, maybe he had thought him as the one. Except it had ended sourly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Bertholdt swallowed through the rock in his throat as he thought about the same thing happening to him and Marcel.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Earth to Bertholdt?” Pieck’s playful voice tore him out of his anguished thoughts.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to ask you about something.” Pieck’s voice took a serious tone that made Bertholdt wary. They waited for the waiter serving them their food to leave their table before she started again, “what am I supposed to do about Porco?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean? You guys broke up four months ago.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah but... We haven’t talked or hang out like friends since then.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Pieck most people don’t want to be around their exes anymore.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You and Reiner didn’t. I mean, you live together.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Bertholdt fell silent then, trying to stall by digging into his cake while Pieck waited eagerly for his answer. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It took us a while before we got there.” He said finally.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Pieck frowned, “you guys broke up one day and then you were hanging out with us the very next day. You kept doing that for a long while and then you moved in with him.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah but, even when we looked fine while with all of you guys, it still hurt to be around Reiner. And it hurt Reiner to be with me. You didn’t see it but, we could never be alone in the same space before we both stammered an excuse to leave.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Granted we had a civil breakup but we were both still heartbroken... We didn’t want to tear our group apart so, we soldiered through, even though all we wanted back then was to be as far away from each other as possible.” Bertholdt watched as realization struck Pieck, and what he assumed was guilt for not having seen through their tough act. He couldn’t blame her– they hadn’t opened up about it to anyone. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I think you should give Porco his space. He was in love with you, and I know you had– <strong>have– </strong>love for him. He just needs some time to get over you. He’ll come around eventually.” Bertholdt smiled sympathetically as he watched Pieck’s shoulders slump. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know... I just miss him. We've been friends for so long and dated for a good three years. I know I broke his heart even though it felt good to come out to everyone. If there was any way I could’ve done this differently I would’ve.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You did the right thing.” Bertholdt said in a measured voice, “you knew Porco didn’t deserve to spend the rest of his life with someone who could never be in love with him. And you deserved to fall in love with someone and be true to who you are.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know...” Pieck sighed in defeat, stirring her tea absent-mindedly, "it just... really sucks to not talk to him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bertholdt wished he had a time machine, so he could let them both hop in and jump forward to a time where they could be pals again, and stop being this miserable without each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alas, he knew they needed to be patient and let things play its natural course. He and Reiner did find their way eventually and he could only hope that Pieck and Porco did too. </span>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Pieck is a kindergarten teacher. And if it wasn't clear she's gay.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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